My Mirror

Nothing takes the past away, like the future!

I am so small relative to my surroundings. I look in all directions and I see so many things I do not know what to make of. I ask myself what to do next. Where do I go? But I cannot answer my my question to myself. I then look behind again, looking for a reference but all I see is something new.

Since I have so much time on my hands, I might as well try to define myself. Having an identity crisis in this fast paced world of ours will result in being left by the wayside. As of now, what are my values? What are the flaws in mt character? If one does not define oneself, he will be defined by the world. There will be no stability in life, it will be a constant flux as I blend in with my surroundings.

This year has exposed me to a kind of lifestyle that I have always shunned because of inbred religious bias. It has exposed my weaknesses both physically and mentally. It has also help me rediscover the dogged determination that used to characterise me and that it will help overcome me adverse situations. Now the challenge is to apply this dogged determination in every aspect of my life.

Oblivion....Merry Christmas!!!!

Brother? Joe

The 'black/brother/african american' experiment isnt going too well. I cant rap, cant walk the walk cant talk the talk and my clothes are a little too "main line". Its good to be anti-establishment once in awhile though " If your having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99problems and bullshit is one!" Hey but theres this guy named JIN, "the first chinese brother!" but he is 99% abt booty. At least I play basketball. The choice game of the brothers. But no AND1 for me though, calves too thin lah. I can grow an afro, you need curly hair for that!

The anchor of the past, even if I am to sail forard I would still have to bring the anchor with me.

Should stop thinking of what my life is and actually get down to the business of living it.

It took a friend to crystalise my 'problem'/ PROBLEM?/problem, make it so clear I cannot deny it.
I just do what i wish to and damm the consequences most of the time. Actions, words and thoughts.

With Thievery Corp's "the hong kong triad" in the background, i type without knowing what I want to write. Just feel a need to express myself in my present mood and feelings about every possible thing that is related to my life but the words just dont seem to come. I cannot comprehend the life I am living. Why? Because it makes no sense? Because it is too complex?

Lets break it all down huh.........
people are enigmatic
situations are multi-faceted
I am tired
Anticipation is at a minimum

never felt so helpless in my life before!!!

I am losing control of my mind letting external influnces dictate my behavior. My mind was made to serve as a personal compass for me not as an instrument of society to control me. I am losing my mind to the world because of a lack of discipline. The discipline to filter what flows in and out. The discipline to do what is right in any circumstance no matter the consequences.

I dont even feel like I am living my life. I am guided through a maze and turning blindly at every corner.
My senses are dull, very dull. I dont feel the pulse of the people I come into contact with for they are just objects. Is this a life devoid of meaning greater than merely living. I know I need something, some stimulus.

6 weeks in the army and there have been changes aplenty in every aspect of me. My mind is at peace in the camp because everything is so clear cut. You complete the task or you work till you complete it. The End Pt is always so prominent.

With every step I take, I seem to be further away from the life I want to have. The situation constantly changes and focus becomes just another word in my lexicon. My own powerlessness is appals me. Compromising is easy when it can offer temporary pleasure. Security is within my grasp yet to secure my future is to consign everything I ever dreamt of having into the rubbish bin. And so my life goes on, dominated by the multitude of events that occur to us everyday without a dominating theme. The very thing that will provide clarity.

Ever since transfering from the main branch to the one in Specialist centre, my job has sadly become more mundane. I spent hours staring at the steady stream of customers who occasionally would mercifully ask me for my assistance. I have come to the point where I actually beg my manager to give me something to do to occupy myself like wrapping CDs as I watch my sector. The Upside is that because the used CDs section is under my area of responsiblity, I get first pick at what in my opinion is good music at low prices. I dont dread going to work anymore, sort of numb to the tediousness of it all.

If I look at my work from an educational standpoint, I must admit I have learned a lot of things one can never learn in a classroom and also a lot more about music.

Recent groups/artistes that have caught my eye:

1. Attica Blues
2. Safri Duo
3. Robert Miles
4. The Ataris
5. Rod Stewart(for the wrong reasons: can never stand man who are self declared ladies men and sing like it is so)
6. Kenny Loggins
7. Chris Isaak
8. Berth Hirsch
9. Sade

The new year is approaching and this is the time of the year that we make resolves for the new year and the years beyond.

I resolve in this coming year to:

1. Save not spend money

2. Study the market deligently

3. Make an effort to stay in touch with the friends made over the years

4. Develop a thicker skin

5. Become a man of the world

6. Be a player in everything I do(Play to win!)

7. Spend time with my family

Two weeks into my job and it is begining to feel like a job as the childlike curiousity about the novel experiance begins to fade. The off days are really precious and I try to cram as many activities into a day as possible. Swimming, running, weight training, reading, monitoring the market.....Cant wait for the funds to come in and then finaly I can formally introduce myself to the market and all the investment opportunities.

I dont think much now that I am busy. My live is slowly being regulated into a routine and the work enables me to forget unpleasant stuff. I no longer live in a constant flux which is a mixed blessing. However, I just dont feel the need for any spark now. There is escape in ones labour.

I have lasted two days in my current employment. I have never felt a greater sense of satisfaction from any other thing that i now feel at the end of a day's work. The nature of my job is the main factor. My job is mainly administrative as I monitor inventory levels and do stock transfers from the main branch to the subsidary branches all on computer. If I feel the strain on my eyes then all I have to do is leave the administrative area for a while and help out on the sales floor. There is no greater sense of satisfaction from being able to retrieve infomation on a CD that has been buried under the plethora of data. My colleagues though mostly a few years older are great and I got to purchase a CD under a colleague's account for the staff discount(still have to wait 3 more months). Went on a mini shopping trip prior to reporting for work and it really felt great to be purchasing items using your own hard earned money. Truly, I am fortunate.

Got hired 2 hours after I was told I was not suitable to be a sales assistant in a sports shop. I am basically trading a job which pays $3/hr for one that pays $5.50/hr so no complains! I have worked at 3 different jobs in the span of a week. Yes, the new economy requires us to be flexible and able to adapt but even this rate of change makes me a little dis-orientated. I just hope my new boss finds me suitable to work in a CD shop.

What a day! Walking around clementi central and going door to door to pitch a watch which few would take a look at. Sold 8 of those ugly watches and felt pretty good about myself until my supervisor paid me $16( 2 per box sold ) and told me that I need not go back to the head office. This meant that I would not be able to collect my basic pay which the manager that interviewed me told me would be at 1100 a month. Saturday was pay day and one would be paid for the number of days one worked in a week. This was after I was told the basic pay was actually 1000. On top of that, no goods were registered under my name which probably meant the supervisor would take credit for my sales. Anger took hold of me as I began to point out the discrepencies between the manager and the supervisor's words to the latter. To my shame I loss my temper and told the supervisor he was a f******* cheat. I found out later that my partner did not receive any pay because she was still going through a 'trial' period. I sms an apology to the supervisor for losing my temper although I added that I still thought he was a cheat. He then offered to pay me my wages and work for him as a freelance salesman. And so I am now jobless and to think that I turned down two other offers to work in this job feels my heart with...............
Well, at least this experience opened my eyes to the true nature of business. It also makes me even more determined to abide by good principles in my dealing with others. However, I still should not have lost my temper.

Its really hard to get a part- time job at this time of the year, or was I too slow.....

4 days to the exams and the questions start coming.
Have I studied enough? Should I have studied more? Should have spent my time more wisely... ETC
But it really doesnt matter now I guess.
I have done what could be done within the boundaries of my concentration span. Let it all come and I will face it to the best of my abilities. Its funny because some nights i feel that I know my work while other nights anxiety takes hold. I think the worse thing that can happen to me now is to fear the exam. If I fear it, I will shrink from it and may give up. If I keep a clear mind and let it all come to me and react as the questions reveal themselves, then I guess I will be able to bring all that I am made of into the exam script.

The A levels is not the end of the world, its just the begining and though it has great implications, it is still no match for the human spirit and mind meaning that while we can work through it we can also work around it. With this thought I will go into the exam hall and after that I will look beyond the horizons in anticipation of a life that will be determined and crafted by my hands.

Battleship Grey
It's battleship grey outside
And we dont know what we'll be getting
All your sweet talking, raining over me
'til my nameless games, are all set free

There's a word in your eye,
But I dont know what is to say it
And when you call me from the other side,
A sense of it starts breaking up, and its lies

I don't know, what I'm getting,
But I'm getting something,
I don't know, what I'm getting,
But I'm getting something

It's battleship grey outside,
Confusion, all this is for the gods
Uncertainty, I could be bathing under articial light
Under twilight blue, starts to mesmorize
Untie myself and light up my life
But your soul isn't mine when you cant see in the eyes

'cause I don't know, what I'm getting
But I'm getting something,
I don't know, what I'm getting
But I'm getting something

It's battleship grey
All your sweet talking, raining over me
'til my nameless games, and I'm set free

Going to a church dinner at the behest of my mum, torn between the desire to see old friends and avoiding awkward questions. Familiar faces abound some with smiles and warm greetings others with a wary looks. People have changed physically, the skinny boy whom you used to play soccer with has grown into a tall stud. The diminutive girl who always made you feel better with her smile and reassuring glance has become an attractive lady. Some have loss hair, gain and loss weight. Yet everything feels the same as when I left it all which is why I cannot go back or I will be betraying myself. The only difference was that you were not around and I was surprised at how keenly I felt it.

Two weeks left, dont know about 75% of the maths syllabus.....
Well, two weeks is a long time if one can remain awake...

Always, always feel so out of place in the gym!
Today I was flanked by two guys with arms the size of my thighs and me doing my puny little weights must have kinda look pathetic beside those two guys.
I told myself that I am the before and they are the after and I felt a little better.

Finding, feeling my way
Its so cold inside, I shiver
Its so dark outside, where do I go
A storm is raging, I am in the open
My life is unfolding, I am not in control
Alone in the desert, I see you....in a mirage
I walk on, stumbling in the dark

where I am going?
I ask the world, options appear
Are they for me? They worked for others!
But something does not feel right
Because the structures do not exist for me

I look into myself, I see many things
growing into an individual
with characteristics unique to myself
And then it struck me, I must decide myself
what I really want to be
free from external influence.

I went to church for you,
studied for you, lived for you
without even knowing who you were
And when I slowly got to know you bit by bit
I realise that I was living a lie
And that it is time to start living by the truth

.But I hope that someday, somewhere down the line the lie will turn out to be the truth

What did I actually do wrong?
I must have made a mistake/mistakes along the way.
Why am I what I am now?

It is nobody's fault that I am like that
I am the result of my own endeavours.
I will fight on to make myself better as a person and relative to the world I live in.
The irrationality springs from the heart and if I switch it off and start to use my brain more, perhaps I will be spared a lot of grief.
Time to start using the brain and give the overworked heart a rest.

Will the NBA season please start soon? The major tennis tourneys are about over and Premiership football really leaves a lot to be desired, unless Chelsea is playing.

Note to Italian football fans: there are other ways of expressing support for your team besides playing with pyrotechnics. Its quite hard to watch the game on tele with all the smoke.

Sit ups, push ups, weight lifting VS sundaes, waffles, anything with beef
Quite an easy choice to make actually!

Haha, I feel like studying really hard now but arent the prelims over. Eh, the A levels is abt 8 weeks away.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death(Exam Halls), I shall fear no evil(no exam) for I am the meanest S.O.B in the valley(meaner than all the goddam exam papers)!

Note: This is not Blasphemy but a paraphrasing of the bible. The inherent meanings are still the same.
How come?
This is why:
- Doesnt being in an exam hall make one feel like one is in the valley of the shadow of death. Theres a looming fear because of the many intangibles(stomach ache,...) and the tangible(like not preparing).
- Exams are a necessary evil. Evil is still evil no matter what form it takes. It takes away so much from us and it is one of the tools that contributes to inequality in society.

My Eden - A room with a plush leather chair and a state of the art home theatre system with all the movies I can possibly watch not forgetting some snacks!

Two movies in a day with the prelims looming! May seem like madness to some but it really did wonders for me. I am more relaxed then I have ever been for this whole term. Ready for a maximum effort through the course of the prelims!

Should we take possesion of our own minds or do we let it drift along in the currents that characterize the forces out in the world competing for control of our minds? Rigid control characterized by discipline or the subscribing to the notion of a free spirit? We stand to gain and lose from going to either extremes. Discipline takes away the soul, as we now become ruled by the logic of our minds. Or we just drift along in life fulfilling our own indiviual desires at the expense of the world around us. The person who subscribes to discipline is not a happy man but he spares himself a lot of unnecessary grief. The free spirit is free (the!) as he experiences to the full extent the tremendous joys and painful sorrows of life..............................

Trying to look fo you is like staring into space but you know what, I actually felt good because I tried.

Reminder to myself! The tongue is inside the mouth for a reason. Consider as many possiblities as possible before you unleash the tongue.

Where is your place in all this? I seriously do not know. Maybe you could tell me because I really want to know. Tell me............

I am so glad I am not a poet of any calibre. I would be living my life in circles, manipulating words to bring out the different emtions we as individuals feel about everything. I may be able to identify the emotion but I despite the tremendous vocabulary accorded to me by the dictionary cannot act to extinguish the emotion should it be negative. Not in a poetic frame of mind! I need the intellectual disciplines that exist by way of logic. I can rant and grumble via the written form but all I do is feel the agony, the hate on a deeper level eventually returning to where I started off to realise nothing has changed. I prefer the straight line, where things are dealt with on one level but it has to be the level that makes the most sense both to me and to my situation. This is all part of my search for emotional stability.

Ps.This is not an attack on poetry by an individual but rather an introspective look into a personal situation by an individual which the individual feels will only be solved by logic.

What does it take to be successful as a person both in relation to the world and yourself?
You meet the expectations of the world and it embraces you.
You satisfy your individual emotional requirements attaining happiness(ps.flexible word)
They say people who cannot manage to balance the demands of both will eventually end up with nothing.
A person that concentrates too much on his career neglects his family only to lose it and ultimately lose the his real reason for stiving though it may not be obvious to him until he loses the family.
A person that places a premium on relationships fails to see that this relationships are achieved and mantained by ones degree of success of survival in the real world.
I do not believe it is possible to seperate our personal life with the life we lead in relation to our world, at least not in our age.
Thus a balance must be mantained

Good to get conscience check every now and then. The greater awareness derived doesnt satisfy my conscience but at leas it helps me look at things from a larger perspective and factor in the human elements and aspects of things, something I am so lacking in.

Things to do:
1. Study for A levels(prelims are part of the preparation for A levels and thus I shall classify them both under an organic whole)
2. Redo the SAT I (1310 argh! wish I had took a keener interest in maths)
3. Do the SAT II
4. Save money
5. Stop watching TV (got a lot of time to do so when in retirement, not studying now might lead to no retirement!)
6. Pray I pass Chinese this time

The tongue, artful and dangerous.
it machinations add colour to darkness,
or conveys an aura of gloom
It cuts and stabs at the hearts of others
hard to rein in once its set loose
Yet there is a reason it is inside the mouth
giving us control of the leash

Hurting those I should love
wasting affection on those I hate
Do I even control my own tongue?

What a day! A day of cuts, bruises, sore neck all for the sake of proving to myself I can play the world's roughest game.
Feels good to win though.

Instead of seeking from forces unknown the reason as to why you were put on this earth, why dont you take destiny into your own hands and create the reason you were placed on this earth for.

Haha, I cant think of you now even if I wanted to! I have purged your image from my mind and now I can get on with my life!

really feel at peace with myself nowadays despite the looming Prelims and A levels
Theres almost no feeling inside and nothing matters much
The meaning of what I do is self-derived, not imposed by external forces
And theres moderation in everything
I guess I have found my inner peace.
And I did it without hours of meditation and vegetarian meals! I guess the ablity to focus your mind comes not
from external influences but from inside you.

Still havent totally figure out the physics of the rugby ball. Not that it bothers me a lot but it can be quite irritating chasing an errant ball after it bounces on the ground a la a boy chasing wild geese!
Touch rugby is fun. It should help improve my balance and footwork, something I always slacked on during my basketball days
to my great chargin everytime I am carrying a heavy harversack and trying to negotiate a crowd, those tired aunties and uncles flashing those irritated glances when I bump into them my accident.

Old habits die hard! Just could not resist the temptation to skip history lecture today.
But the thrill only lasts as long as one gets away with it.

Eveyrtime I leave my enclosed room and sniff the putrid smell of incense,
I force myself to think about two words, RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE!

This World

Another child is born
Another race is won
Another dream is shattered
Another day has begun

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah’s boat
We’ve only lost the vision
Of the stars we’re meant to be

Another broken heart
Another lesson learnt
Another harvest eaten
Another night is gone
A new day’s begun
Even your dreams they can be real

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah’s boat
We’ve only lost the vision
Of the stars we’re meant to be

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah’s boat
We’ve only lost the vision
Of the stars we’re meant to be

This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope

by Zero 7 from the album simple things

I always see my life in two parts
All that has past n what is yet to come
The thing about being a Singaporean male is that it is just too easy to see your future
You go to NS after JC/Poly then on to tertiary education
graduating into a 9-5 job in the civil service or corporate sector
You probably start of with buying a Japanese/Korean car after which you apply for a flat
You meet a nice Singaporean girl if your lucky and get married
You will probably be living in a condo and have a bigger car by the time you start balding
and you have to worry about how your kids will fit into this whole system
Kudos to those who dare to be extraordinary but I cannot see my life unfolding in any other direction
So I ask myself why I study for the A levels and this is the answer my weary mind came up with
If I do not do well for my A levels, I will be taking pubilc transport(not a bad thing esp with the new north east line)
till I am balding. I will probably spent my the afternoon of my life hanging out in some kopitiam amidst beer drinking
and chain smoking heartlanders during my free time(No disrespect intended + anyone who had a hard day's work deserves to relax as he sees fit). I will spent my whole live living in public housing and thinking of what might have been.

The Singaporean life in the eyes of a JC student

I feel the only way to break this cycle is to be a citizen of the world. As it will most probably be pax americana in the immediate future, a degree from a good American University should increase one's marketability in the world not to say Singapore. But as always, all good things cost money. So I will try to scrimp and save in any way I can in the hope of paying for an American education. Canteen food never tasted so gooood! Because the alternative as I see it is much worse than the opportunity cost of being thrifty.

FRIEND,
Can someone tell me the true definition of this word?
And explain the word LOVE to me too at the same time

My Mirror

Friday, July 15, 2005

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Monday, December 27, 2004

Friday, December 24, 2004

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Brother? Joe

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Friday, September 17, 2004

Monday, August 09, 2004

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Friday, December 12, 2003

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Monday, October 27, 2003

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Monday, August 18, 2003

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Monday, August 04, 2003

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Friday, August 01, 2003

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Monday, July 28, 2003

Friday, July 25, 2003

About Me

Previous Posts

Archives